he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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