I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize