I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
