I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
