so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
