I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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