we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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