If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
