I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
