I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
