I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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