Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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