Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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