Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
