I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Can you bring me the toilet please
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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