Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
