now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
