I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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