No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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