apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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