Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
