i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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