forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
