Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
organizing the empties. That sober.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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