...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
