I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
