Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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