24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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