Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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