You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
