Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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