At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just gift wrapped bread.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
