I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
