My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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