The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
