shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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