God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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