I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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