got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
