Life is so much better after having sex.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
