This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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