You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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