I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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