I puked a lego.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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