ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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