I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
