I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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