Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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