We're facebook friends in real life
please come you make the beer taste better
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize