dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
