Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
