I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
