I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
