I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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