You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
