I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
