I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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