My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
