moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
