I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
