the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
