When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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