Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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