sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Randomize
