He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
