A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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