just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
